Dear That Guy,
A friend and I were discussing dating and I told him that I like to take flowers to a first date. He raised an eyebrow and laughed at me. Then laughed some more. Why shouldn't I take flowers to a first date, isn't that a cool and romantic thing to do?


Mr Romance, somewhere special


That Guy Responds:


Dear Mr Romance, I took the liberty of changing your name and your location to better fit who you are right now. Who? Who are you? You're that creepy person that doesn't know me and shows up at my door trying to give me something. But wait, wait...you only date girls. Same difference.

See, the issue here is before you've even got to know the person, you've attempted to make a romantic gesture. What if she doesn't like you? What if you don't like her?
Too late, the flowers are on the table. What exactly are you intending to get out of giving the flowers to her? It'll be romantic and make her feel good? Actually, it might make her feel awkward and uncomfortable and possibly obligated. Is that what you want out of life? A person who feels obligated to be nice to you? Or do you want a person who knows and likes you, just because you are you?

Now, it is remotely possible that the person you give the flowers to will like them on that first date. It is entirely possible that she'd maybe give you a kiss, or even end up having sex with you. However, it is also possible that showing up to the date with the latest and greatest Lilo vibrator will also result in a night of passion.

So, with that said. Skip the flowers till the next date. You don't know her and she doesn't know you. To give her flowers so early is completely ridiculous. However, she might appreciate the vibrator whether she likes you or not.

(Ladies, note I just suggested that men buy you vibrators instead of flowers.)

Preconceptions and Assumptions, clear your mind grasshopper.

I don't know about you, but I really, really dislike it when a person has a preconception or assumption about me based on how I look, or based on my gender.
Examples:

• "He is a guy, he is probably conversationally challenged."
• "Oh, like most men I bet he never changes the toilet paper roll."
• "He looks like he might be Indian; I bet he enjoys spicy foods."
• "Whoah, that guy is really tall, I bet he has a massive fire hose stashed away some where." (...okay, maybe I don't mind this one).

Seriously, people, stop hurting my feelings by assuming I am a particular way based on extremely limited data.

What does this have to do with dating?

Remember, when you go out on a date with a person, a main goal should be getting to know the person. How exactly can you do that if you're determined that because she is wearing Prada shoes, she is in fact the devil? Perhaps the shoes were a gift from the devil or her grandmother?

By entering the world of dating with an open mind and genuine curiosity, you can avoid making judgments too soon.  This is a good thing. Countless times, a person decides too soon that the person they're out with is less entertaining than a pair of dirty socks in the laundry. Other times, people jump head first into relationships based on how the other person looks in a red dress (...and just so you know, I look good in red dress, not in a red dress, and tearing a red dress off of me.)

So, rather than be one of the counted fools. Try to approach it all with an open mind.
Men can talk, do laundry, cook, clean and change diapers. Women can be silent and broody, watch sports all the time, like the taste of beer and drive like James Bond.

Going into the date being close-minded to who the other person might be, puts you at a serious disadvantage.

Yeah, whatever...I'm not that person, I pay attention

One of the people we've been helping with dating since starting this site recently wrote me a message telling me that he'd found a profile he really liked. The profile was of a single mom. He sent me a copy of the message he was going to send her. It was incredible...incredible in that he only mentioned her child, how much she must love her child, how good he was with children, and other talk of children. The message actually came off as creepy, unintentional as it was.

So, I asked him, why did you write the message like that? His response "She loves her child, that is all she talked about." I went through her profile. Four and a half lines were about her child, the rest of the profile added up to 14 lines that were not about her child. He'd managed to completely ignore her, based on a picture with her child and 4.5 lines. This can be really easy to do when glossing over profiles, but doing it guarantees dating fail.

So, what did we learn here?

Pay attention to the person and get to know them. Try not to see things the way you "think" they are...instead see things as they are. It'll lead to better experiences! Seriously. Even if your date is wearing Prada.

On Profiles

As was mentioned in the last post, this blog will focus primarily on the intricacies of online dating, and I think it's important to start with the basics: reading profiles. This is, to be frank, at least as important as writing a great one of your own, particularly if you aren't ona site like OkCupid (which you should be) that provides you with handy match percentages to instatly gauge compatability. With that in mind, I've put together eight simple tips:

1. Read their profile. All of it. Even if it is a novel. If you are so uninterested that you can't finish their profile, then find your browser's "back" button and move on, there are plenty of other digital fish in the sea.
2. Read it before looking at their pictures. Seriously. As challenging as this may be, it will save you some time down the road when you figure out that cutie doesn't believe in germs or World War II. True story.
3. Be honest with yourself about where you do and don't match up. Can you handle spending time with someone who likes "everything" (read: has no opinions) or whose political beliefs are diametrically opposed to yours? If you can, more power to you, rock on with your tolerant self! If you're like me and you can't, it's probably time to move on...
4. Don't let small differences be dealbreakers. Sure, they may hate Indian food, but they love underwater basket weaving and late 15th century cabinetry! As the bard said, two out of three ain't bad.
5. Evaluate your potential paramour in terms of friendship first. I don't care if you think finding a relationship is the ONE TRUE KEY TO HAPPINESS FOREVER (okay, I do, but that's a different post), if you just plain can't get along then I sincerely doubt your long-term romantic prospects are good. Look at it this way: if you write to people you think would be awesome friends then, regardless of if sparks fly, worst case scenario is another awesome person to commiserate and/or split tapas with. Really, is another person to get the next pitcher a bad thing?
6. Listen to what they are saying. If their profile explicitly names some topic as verboten, however silly it may be (even telling them they are cute!), don't touch it. Trust me on this one.
7. Conversely, if they single an area out as something they love talking about, use it! Fascinated by cuttlefish? With a little Wikipedia research your first message just about writes itself. (DO NOT MAKE A PUN ABOUT CUDDLING.)
8. If someone isn't right for you just accept it and move on, no need to write them to say as much. Beyond being a total waste of your time, it makes you look awful and, on sites with strong community bases, can actually earn you a bad rep. I don't care how disgusting [whatever their dealbreaker] is, that's between them, their god(s), and the moderators.

Really, this all boils down to what you learned in elementary school: listen to others, use your words, and don't throw sand in other people's eyes.

OMG Dating, how does it work?

Dating you're probably doing it wrong!

A great many people believe that dating is exclusively about finding a life partner. They believe that the whole purpose of dating is to find a special person, fall in love rapidly, and then marry that special person as quickly as possible before reproductive organs stop working.

A great many people also seem to find dating to be a miserable experience.  They are constantly berating how awful dating is...especially when the end result can potentially be marriage between two people that don't really know each other, sex that isn’t all that great, the possibility of cheating, horrible things being said, heart ache, divorce, and, well...you know, straight out misery.


Dating, you can do it right!

To have a more fulfilling experience going out on dates, it is better to view dating as a chance to get to know other people, get to know yourself and have fun while doing it.  The point is not to constantly analyze whether or not the person is ZOMG! The ONE! This is unfair to you AND your date.   This type of ridiculous thinking should be reserved for children who are too young to even understand a Disney movie.

Instead, you should go out on the date, and try not to skip what is critical!

So what is critical, you ask?

Think about it. You're supposed to be getting to know the other person. That's right, it means you should be getting to know them without spending time analyzing how they will fit in your life. That part, comes later. Patience young grasshopper.

Tied for first, you should make it fun. That's right! FUN!  Select activities for dates that you enjoy - activities you would have enjoyed on your own, or with a friend, or ...dun dun dun...with a date.

Because you’ve now taken away the pressure by keeping things simple, you get to know more about yourself, as well as getting to know your date. That is some creepy zen stuff right there, isn't it?